jokes

Published on April 8 2008

Little Jake is 5 and learning to read. He points at a picture in a zoo book and says, "Look Mama! It's a frickin' Elephant!" Deep breath ... "What did you call it?" "It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!" and so it does ... " A f r i c a n Elephant "

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Published on May 1 2007

..... or, How I Learned Way More About Duck Anatomy Than I Ever Wanted To Know.... In Ducks, War of the Sexes Plays Out in the Evolution of Genitalia - New York Times
“Basically, you get a bigger phallus to put your sperm in farther than the other males.”
(Do you realize how hard it is to stay away from jokes about "duck d**ks"????)

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Published on April 2 2007

Doohan's ashes to be blasted into space - Yahoo! News
LAS CRUCES, N.M. - The ashes of James Doohan, who played chief engineer Montgomery "Scotty" Scott on the original "Star Trek" TV series, have been loaded into a rocket that is set to launch in New Mexico later this month. The remains of Doohan, Mercury astronaut Gordon Cooper and some 200 others were loaded into the rocket Friday by Charles Chafer, chief executive of Celestis, a Texas company that contracts with rocket firms to send cremated remains into space.

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Published on September 6 2006

    1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator. 6. You watch the Weather Channel. 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up." 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." 10. You're the one calling the police because t&@.. kids next door won't turn down the stereo. 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. 14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers. 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 16. You take naps. 17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. 18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach. 19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condom and pregnancy tests. 20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit." 21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 22 "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again." 23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 24 You drink at home to save money before going to a bar. 25. When you find out your friends are pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh no, what the hell happened?" Bonus: 26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.

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Published on June 13 2005

....but I do have a couple of good jokes! Question: what’s the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo? Answer: A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Question: what’s the difference between a “Northern fairytale” and a “Southern fairytale”? Answer: A “Northern fairytale” begins with: “Once upon a time…” A “Southern fairytale” begins with: “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit.” There......that's the giggle for the day......hattip to Sylvia for her many jokes!!

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Published on March 31 2004

You know you are now living in the year 2004 when: 1. Your reason for not staying in touch with certain family members is because they do not have e-mail. 2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 3. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver. 4. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home. 5. Every advertisement on television, in magazines, and on billboards has a web site address at the bottom. 6. You buy a computer and 3 months later it's out of date and sells for half the price you paid. 7. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60?) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around and drive great distances to retrieve it. 8. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take considerable planning, even though there's an ATM on every corner. 9. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave. 10. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow and unacceptable. 11. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet. 12. Your idea of being organized is not losing your PDA.. 13. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person. 14. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls. 15. When you disconnect from the Internet, you feel like you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 16. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee. 17. You wake up at 2 a.m. to go to the bathroom and check your e-mail on your way back to bed. 18. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :) 19. You're reading this, nodding and laughing.

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Published on February 12 2004

CIA rewards

"Weapons of mass destruction: The presence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq puts at risk the health and safety of all Iraqis. The U.S. Government offers rewards to Iraqis who give specific and verifiable information that helps Iraqis rid their country of these dangerous materials and devices."



I am really hoping no jokester decides to send in my license plate numbers. Maybe it's time to give up the "WMD" plates and get boring, impossible-to-remember tags.

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