Too early in the morning

Published on January 26 2006

There are times I really hate the night shift--not so much because of being awake (or at least trying to look like I'm awake) at all hours as much as I think too much on that shift. There are hours of quiet except for the rumbling of the machinery, and I tend to drift inside a bit. I can be out crawling around on equipment or taking heat readings on some part of the beast, but at the same time be a thousand miles away in my head. Makes it hard to take readings when you aren't even in the same state as the numbers you're writing down. "Inside" isn't always a safe place to go, I've found. I spend so much time on half-awake "what ifs" and "why didn't I's" that I can very easily work myself into a downward spiral. I can so easily start counting up all of things that are wrong in my life that I forget the things that are good. Why do I kick myself like that, I wonder? Do I somehow, deep down, believe that if I pile the guilt on myself that I will be better for it? Where does that come from? I need to remember that even though there are woes and travails (what the heck *is* a travail, anyway??) aplenty, lol--there are wonderful, wonderful things and people in my world. I can't fall into the trap of the "poor me's", since I have lived long enough with them to know what a danger they are. I can see the results of putting self-pity first any time I want. It ain't pretty.

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